Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Number 53 on my list of 101 things in 1001 days is : Have a party for my 40th Birthday and invite only people I like. Well I only partly succeeded in this as I had the party last Saturday and a great time and great food was had by all BUT I didn´t succeed in inviting only people I like.
One of my best friends has a boyfriend who is a complete ego-maniac and if they weren´t together I wouldn´t even give him the time of day...but I somehow couldn´t get past inviting him. And there´s another person who I used to get along great with but just don´t want to spend time with lately because of her "well-meaning" criticism and life tips that show me she has no idea who I am. She is part of the group of people I sing with and generally hang around with so I didn´t have the courage not to invite her for fear of the can of worms that this would open.
I´d really like to be courageous and honest and tell people what I think and that I don´t like being used or told what to do by people who can´t get their own lives in order but I just can´t seem to without feeling like a complete bitch. Is there a way to move on from friendships that just don´t fit anymore without having to explain? Is it my responsibility to tell my friend that her boyfriend is a jerk and that she deserves better or is it none of my business?


Michelle said...

Glad you had a great party. Food looks great!!

no advice on the friend stuff...tricky I know.

Berber said...

In this case I'd say stay out of it... It's your friend's choice to be with this man and I don't think she'd appreciate your criticism :(
Friendship can be very hard sometimes!

Your party looks lovely though!

Jorth said...

I always seem to put me big foot in it, so I'm staying out! However, your party looks like great fun! Did you have sparklers?

Alex S said...

Happy Birthday Claudia!!!! If you were here or we were there we could have thrown our own party for you but I send you huge birthday hugs. As for friendships, if a friend is consistently judging you and not being supportive and theres not air for growth and honesty, then I think sometimes a relationship runs its course. On the other hand, there is nothing like old friends, and that being the case, somtimes its hard to hang in there when one or the other is going through rough times where they aren't themselves, or exhibiting the qualities that you were drawn to at first. That said, my deeper feeling is that friendships should be for the long haul, and that in my case, its my friendships more than anything that have eventually helped to pull me out of struggles. As for your friend's partner, thats a toughie. I don't know! If she is happy with him and they bring out good things in one another, then maybe leave it alone? but! if shes being treated not well, then there very well could be a time and place to say something.

Laini Taylor said...

That looks fun & yummy! Happy birthday! As for moving on from friends you don't connect with, that's tough. Personally, I think a gradual decline in effort & contact is preferable to truth-telling. That might seem cowardly, but sometimes there's really no need to hurt someone's feelings (even if they might deserve it a little bit). They're not going to change. And friends' boorish significant others? I say DON'T go there. The kind of honesty can really hurt a friendship (unless you know something important they don't know, like cheating, but if it's just a persnonality issue, you have to just bite your tongue.)

Anonymous said...

I understand the need to move on from friendships that don't work anymore. I recently had a similiar experience with a friend who decided it was her responsibility to change me. While I am totally able to accept her choices, she is simply unable to accept that mine work for me and are just as valid.
Anyway, it wasn't a sudden end to the friendship, it has gradually faded as I have gradually stopped contacting. It is a good way to do it I think. So, I agree with Laini on that one. I don't need to criticise her values as she has mine. No need.
I certainly won't be upset if she calls, and will happily chat with her, but I have made the choice not to listen to her criticisms.
Happy Birthday! You did the right thing! I hope you had a wonderful time!!

Jamie said...

What a beautiful celebration! Look at all that yummy food and all those wonderful people (with 2 exceptions)! I'm glad your 40th birthday finds you with such abundance!

A wonderful thing about noticing that this one friend is someone you want to have less to do with is that you are getting very clear that you want to be treated better, that you want and deserve to be surrounded by loving, wonderful people that treat you well and you won't settle for less. Awesome! And I have to agree with Laini that when this happens, often the most natural and kindest approach is to just slowly disengage.

As for the friend with Mr. Wrong on her arm, when I'm in that position I tend to book activities for my friend and I only. But if a social occasion comes up where it's appropriate to invite her partner, I do and I politely tolerate him out of consideration for her.

Jim Di Bartolo said...

Belated Happy Birthday Claudia! I'm glad you got to spend it with (mostly!) people you really like. It looks like a fun party :)

As for the friends issue, I'd say that your naggy friend needs to be kindly asked/told to stop judging you. As for the friend's assy boyfriend, I'd say be careful there. Like Alexandra said, unless he's abusive or you've seen him cheating on her or something, it's probably best to bide your time until they (hopefully!) eventually break up. That kind of thing can be so frustrating.

But the MAIN thing here is again: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :)


Anonymous said...

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY for your big 40 !!!
I have mine in August and think it's a great age.
Looks like you had a great party and YES we should just invite who we want.
Hope you have a lovely birthday MONTH or at least the WEEK.