I am trying to retrace yesterday´s steps to pinpoint the moment when I lost the plot.
Things were going great, it was cold but the sun was shining, I drove my son to school and was looking forward to 2 hours to myself in the city to do some Christmas shopping before work and I think that´s when it started. The shops weren´t open yet so I sat down in a café for a drink to get out of the cold and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and realised how old and tired I looked at that moment. I found it difficult to find something positive about my appearance.
I bought a watch for Markus and afterwards I went to a phone shop wanting to buy mobile phones for my 2 oldest sons for Christmas. A brochure came in the post last week and I had already chosen 2 affordable, user friendly phones BUT then the salesman explained all the extra costs involved and that I hadn´t read the fine print and I was dissappointed. He and the other 2 salesmen acted as though it was normal for parents to buy their children expensive cell phones, then spend numerous dollars every month for the fees and that every kid these days needs a phone with a built-in camera, video function, MP3 player and entertainment package. 90% of the kids that go to school with my boys have these mobile phones, how on earth can their parents afford it? The rest of the day the world around me seemed shallow and superficial. I felt like an outsider - like the world is moving in a direction that I just don´t get! I wanted to pack my bags and move far away with my family, to a place where work and money aren´t so important, where school is fun and early morning starts, homework and marks don´t make my children tired. I know it seems ridiculous that a cell phone shop would trigger these feelings off but I think they were already lying under the surface, waiting for the right moment to catch me off guard. Sometimes it all seems too much, like we are caught up in some sort of flow that´s dragging us a long. When I told Erich about my feelings he gave me a hug and said, "tomorrow´s a new day". I wish I could be more like him.
Today IS a new day and I feel drained. I´ve been going through drawers and cupboards, cleaning and putting up some Christmas decorations in the hope that my positive outlook will come back. I´m taking the boys out for lunch after school and when we get home I´ll make a fire, drink a coffee with Erich and hopefully, by then I´ll feel better.