Thursday, December 14, 2006

I´m losing it!

I am trying to retrace yesterday´s steps to pinpoint the moment when I lost the plot.
Things were going great, it was cold but the sun was shining, I drove my son to school and was looking forward to 2 hours to myself in the city to do some Christmas shopping before work and I think that´s when it started. The shops weren´t open yet so I sat down in a café for a drink to get out of the cold and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and realised how old and tired I looked at that moment. I found it difficult to find something positive about my appearance.
I bought a watch for Markus and afterwards I went to a phone shop wanting to buy mobile phones for my 2 oldest sons for Christmas. A brochure came in the post last week and I had already chosen 2 affordable, user friendly phones BUT then the salesman explained all the extra costs involved and that I hadn´t read the fine print and I was dissappointed. He and the other 2 salesmen acted as though it was normal for parents to buy their children expensive cell phones, then spend numerous dollars every month for the fees and that every kid these days needs a phone with a built-in camera, video function, MP3 player and entertainment package. 90% of the kids that go to school with my boys have these mobile phones, how on earth can their parents afford it? The rest of the day the world around me seemed shallow and superficial. I felt like an outsider - like the world is moving in a direction that I just don´t get! I wanted to pack my bags and move far away with my family, to a place where work and money aren´t so important, where school is fun and early morning starts, homework and marks don´t make my children tired. I know it seems ridiculous that a cell phone shop would trigger these feelings off but I think they were already lying under the surface, waiting for the right moment to catch me off guard. Sometimes it all seems too much, like we are caught up in some sort of flow that´s dragging us a long. When I told Erich about my feelings he gave me a hug and said, "tomorrow´s a new day". I wish I could be more like him.
Today IS a new day and I feel drained. I´ve been going through drawers and cupboards, cleaning and putting up some Christmas decorations in the hope that my positive outlook will come back. I´m taking the boys out for lunch after school and when we get home I´ll make a fire, drink a coffee with Erich and hopefully, by then I´ll feel better.


Kelli said...

Oh, darn it. I hate days like that! But I can say as one of your readers, your boys are growing up in a lovely and creative home where they can express themselves freely without expensive cell phones!
I hope your mojo comes back soon!

The Muse said...

I understand where you're coming from here, I go through moments like this and the trigger can be ANYTHING. I'll tell you though, a good hot cupo of cocoa for me helps :) I know it sounds simplistic, but cocoa is seriously underrated and for me it reminds me of a time when things were very much slower and more cherished. I hope you have a better day, and that your spirit becomes grounded again soon :)

Be well,

Marie said...


I know that feeling well, as though you are on some big, crazy merry-go-round and you want to yell "Stop! I want to get off!"

I too am appalled and feel sad that kids are given such expensive gadgets just so the parents can feel that they can be the same as the other kids. It's such a pressure on the children themselves and the sensible parents who try and limit this rampant consumerism fostered by advertisers and peer groups.

Your Erich sounds like a real treasure and what a lovely thing he said. I hope you sit as a family, gaze into the fire with a nice hot chocolate and enjoy just being in your home, your own oasis of peace and calm. It will help to recharge your batteries, ready for that battle with the outside world.

Take care.

Mirre said...

I hope you do feel better... at least the fire and coffee sound wonderful! Enjoy it :)

Hanna said...

What a sad post! I know your feeling and sometimes I really dislike Christmas because people want what is most expensive and futuristic. I like to buy clothes, nice fabrics and useful small items - not expensive toys and games that all needs power and electricity... :-) I just avoid getting it, tell your husband to buy gifts for the boys this year if they need cellphones? And don't bother with the latest things, they'll just want something new for the next seasson anyway?! ;-)


you're not old. you are great, and your craft is too, remember that.

Alexandra said...

I think we all have those moments Claudia but you are beautiful in and out, esp in all the ways that truly make a dang of difference! As for the boys, i am right with you. What are we losing stuffing our kids lives and days with so much technology? We are losing something precious.

Kristine said...

Hang in there! I hope things have gotten better. My mom always found some way to raise us against that tide of materialism so that we could see that if is so much more than that. From what you have said, I am sure your children will grow up with a greater idea of what the world and life is about as well...

lazylol said...

Hope you are feeling better. Don't give in to the expensive phones, you will find something that fits your budget. I hate that about Christmas too.

Jamie said...

Oh, Claudia, my heart is with you. The beautiful thing about this post is that you so deeply and clearly know what is important to you. And I know that over this past year you have really made huge strides in creating harmony between those values and your life. That disconnect with the mass culture can be tiring and unnerving. I hope you find your people and know that here you are connected to so many that value you and all that you create in the world. You are an inspiration .

Maybe it's just time to take a breather and relax after all the energy you've put into this year. I hope the holidays bring you peace, love, laughter, joy and hope.

shellyC said...

I know how you were feeling. I hate how this time of year can do these things to us. Huge hugs!