
What are my biggest wishes?
What means the most to me?
What is the most important thing to me in my life?
I have been carrying these questions around with me, pondering, being sure, having no idea, recognising, being confused, thinking, wanting to go forward, being held back, living on one leg.
I am so use to thinking things and automatically changing my thoughts because I don´t allow myself to think the things I do. My thoughts sound too selfish, too simple or too shallow and I stop them in their tracks. I really wasn´t aware of how often I do this...there is a constant conversation going on in my head - I remember watching cartoons where someone has a good angel sitting on one shoulder and a bad angel sitting on the other shoulder and they are argueing constantly about every little thing. I have the same thing going on in my head. "You make such lovely things, you should create more and sell your crafts for a living" says the good angel. "Who would buy them? Maybe you would hate sewing after a while and then you´ll have let a good job go for nothing! Where will you get the money to feed the children and pay the bills huh?" says the bad angel. "You are a great mother, so what if the house isn´t always perfect, it´s a happy house!" says the good angel. "You can be ashamed if visitors turn up, the house is a mess! Have you finished painting the upstairs hallway yet?" says the bad angel. "You have a lovely face, you are friendly and people like you, so what if you´re overweight!" says the good angel. "You look horrible! You should stay home until you get rid of those extra kilos, you don´t look good in any of your clothes, how can people respect you!" says the bad angel. I could go on and on. How do I get the good angel to speak up louder and convince the bad angel that everything will be OK? That it´s alright, even necessary to be selfish? That I can choose not to accept things that I am not happy with? So, I will go ahead and answer these questions NOW, selfishly!
What are my biggest wishes?I would like to be the boss of me! I want to be able to stand up for myself, my family and anything that´s important to me with the courage of a lion! I want to make plans and carry them out like a winner, conquer obstacles and be enthusiastic about it! I want to be a successful woman! I want to keep things to a minimum and free myself from unecessary objects, thoughts, negative people and use my time for activities which are of value to myself and my family. I want to be an inspiration to others and spread joy and colour! Keeping all this in mind, I want to be able to earn enough money to lead a healthy, more carefree life doing something which makes me happy to get up every morning.
What means the most to me?My children. I know many women who say " I can´t put myself first because I live for my children": That is not the kind of mother I want to be. I have 3 sons and I see it as one of my obligations to show them that you can lead the life you want regardless of gender, skin colour or financial background. I teach in many companies and see how caught up many people are in the career spiral...a long, hard way up and sometimes a quick fall down. I see that many people are nothing after you take away their job, their car and their expensive clothing. That´s not how I want to be. It means the most to me to show my children that I am a good person, an honest person, an authentic person. I want them to see that it´s possible to lead a happy, successful life according to your own rules and without trampling over others.
What is the most important thing to me in my life?My health and the health of my family. We are lucky to have a good health insurance system here so regular check-ups, dentist visits etc. are no problem. But it is difficult to buy fresh, good quality food if you don´t live in the city. I go through phases of wanting to drop everything and to go and live on a farm where we can be self-sufficient to shopping only directly from farmers where I can only buy small amounts of quality foodsto shopping at discount supermarkets where I can buy more for the same price. So I repeat - I want to be able to earn enough money to lead a healthy, more carefree life doing something which makes me happy to get up every morning!
Is this too much to ask???