It´s time!
It´s time for me to leave this inner roundabout,
far too long I´ve been going round and round,
far too long I´ve locked myself away,
far too long I´ve looked longingly at those who
live without inhibition.
I´m ready,
the moment is here,
to loosen the ropes,
to pull up the anchor,
to leave my safe harbour,
to sail new seas,
to turn the sails of my dreams into the winds of possibility.
I am the captain! Atlast!
Since I have begun to lose some weight, I have realised that I have blamed many issues on my weight. If things weren´t moving along smoothly I automatically thought "it´s because you´re fat", when people didn´t like or accept me I thought the same and also when I looked in the mirror and didn´t like who was looking back at me.
But I know now that I am more than my weight. I have noticed that there are women out there who are larger like me but they look great whereas a slim woman who doesn´t look after herself is not as attractive. I have started looking after myself and taking more care with my appearance. I also realised that one of the reasons I hated going to work was never feeling good in my clothes. How can we go out and present ourselves to strangers if we don´t feel comfortable, feel real, feel free?
I have also realised that I am not moving forward. I have felt bad in the past for not reaching my goals, for not achieving anything BUT I haven´t really defined my goals. On Saturday I was at a wellness fair and there was a book stand (who can pass a book stand???). A book jumped out at me and I was so happy but then I thought that maybe it´s one of "those" books again - where on the first page you have to think about God and religion. I know this is very important to many people but believe me, when you live in traditional Austria where the church and it´s ideals are somewhere back at the beginning of the last century, you lose your faith. I do believe in a greater force but when it comes to my life I want to make the decisions and not feel like everything is pre-set, or in someone else´s hands or dependent on how often I go to church on Sundays.
I am happy to say, this is not one of those books, it´s an easy to understand guide to helping you find your life aims. It´s in German and the author is an Austrian so I don´t think his books are available in English. With the book comes a question booklet divided into 10 parts. Here is part one.
What are my biggest needs and difficulties at the moment?
What impairs my day to day life the most?
What hinders my joy of life the most?
Under which do I suffer the most ?
That´s a lot to think about. You can read my answers tomorrow.
7 comments:
I just love the poem and the artwork and the vision I have of you standing up with one half of a broken shell on either side of you ... A fresh chick ready to explore a whole new world. How perfect that it should come with Spring in Missouri (I think. It still could snow once more. I'm hoping for the best!)
And what an impact your re-hatching must have on your boys. I loved your comment on my blog about telling some people to just take a hike! I'm sure they notice this evolution in you just as you feel it from within. Congratulations on all the work you've done and thanks for helping me hatch, too.
P.S.--How did you put together the artwork? I was wondering.
Good luck with your journey... those are very intteresting questions!
WOW, Well DONE YOU!! I got home from work SO tired and thought, "I'll just check on the girls!" When I opened up your post I sat up straighter, and smiled HUGELY and got really excited again. I'm SO happy for you and proud of you that you are feeling better in yourself, that you are asking the big questions, and that you are ready to live the answers. I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing the questions - I'm excited to read the answers - keep 'em coming!!
P.S. I don't know if it matters or not but the photo you posted of yourself awhile ago? I thought you looked BEAUTIFUL!!! I've had those same 'fat' issues, so I understand where you are coming from and that that is not what you always see. I look at that picture and I definitely DO NOT see a fat woman - I see a fun, beautiful, talented, creative one. I hope that through your quest you will see her too!! xo
Yay! Claudia it's so beautiful to hear that voice of strength and confidence. You are doing so well and I'm so happy for you! You are really embracing yourself and your life!
And your picture today is so, so, so beautiful. I sat here just looking at it for a while and enjoying it before getting to your post.
You are creating wonders!
Best of luck, sweetie - I know you'll find some terrific answers!
PS Yay on the jumper!
thank you for this post full of such honesty and wisdom. thank you for getting it and reminding me that i am not alone in my feelings.
i love your words and your collage. beautiful.
i must say it again. thank you.
Those are some good questions. I think it's probably harder for moms to prioritize their own needs -- having three boys must be a whirlwind -- but it's so important! Feeling good in your skin is a daily dance, some steps forward, some steps back, and I hope it gets easier with practice. I know, weirdly, I feel better about myself in my 30s than I did in my 20s, even though I look at pictures of my skinny 23-year-old self and remember how fat I felt then. Absurd! And even though I don't have that butt anymore, I still feel more comfortable with myself. Maybe it's because I'm not dating anymore -- THANK GOD!! (Or, thank JIM). Looking forward to reading your answers to the questions.
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