Sunday, March 26, 2006


Atlast my ex-husband made time to come and stay with the boys so Erich and I had a chance to take a much needed break and spend the day in Graz. It was the first taste of spring weather we have had in almost 6 months so we enjoyed being able to walk around without a jacket, sit on a park bench and soak up the sun and eat our first ice-cream in months.
Our first stop was Ikea where we had breakfast and bought a few little things and then we drove into the city. We visited the fruit and vege market, my favourite, 3 storey book store called Moser. Inside there´s the lovely "Literature Café" with those paintings above on the ceiling. We ate seafood at Nordsee, walked to the Uhrturm and soaked up that city feeling that I miss so much living in this little country village. It felt great to be in the city, to have choices in food, cafés, activities. That´s something I really miss here in Reichenfels but on the other hand, it was lovely to come home to the country side, the peace and quiet, fresh air and spacious house.
Jamie wrote a wonderful post about feeling at home and knowing where you belong and I can honestly say that I feel as much at home as I´ve ever felt in my house here. But have I ever REALLY felt completely at home? I don´t think so. I grew up in the western suburbs of Sydney and it was home, my parent´s little house. But all the talk and influence of "life back home" as my Mum and Dad called it - my parents immigrated from Austria to Australia in 1969 when I was 3- made it hard to feel 100% at home in Australia. When I moved to Austria in 1989 I felt somehow like I´d come home but at the same time I felt like a stranger, an exotic, a traveller. All the way through my marraige that feeling stayed with me, like my shadow, even while building a house, having children, trying to make friends. Now I have Erich by my side I know the feeling of having a partner, a deep love bonds us and wherever he is, I will feel happiness but the memories of my marraige are all around me, aswell as the in-laws who live close by. I don´t feel accepted, appreciated and liked in this community, maybe this is the reason that I am never content? It´s not possible for me to think of moving right now but I am in the process of getting rid of old things and friendships, decluttering and making big changes. I need to create my own new space - inside and outside of my house, maybe then my soul will feel at home.


Helen said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I'm very jealous that you got to walk around without a jacket - its still chucking it down with snow here!! Helen

liz elayne said...

nice that you had this time away...
and creating this space that is just yours. yes, i think we all crave this and we create in the best ways that we can. i look forward to reading more about this part of you journey.

Laini said...

Ooh - so glad you had a fun getaway!! I'm deeply envious of all the fabulous European cities within "getaway" range of you!

And I'm glad to read about you redefining your space and your life on your own terms: you are the boss of you! (Also, I just commented on your last post -- don't know how I missed it before!)

Kali said...

I've been quietly following your posts on your current journey, and have been so proud of you...You are inspiring me too...I just wanted to say that the way you describe the feeling you have where you currently live, is how I felt before I moved away from my home town, and started my new life here in Tasmania.
You could have been describing my feeling when you wrote:
"...but the memories of my marriage are all around me, aswell as the in-laws who live close by. I don´t feel accepted, appreciated and liked in this community, maybe this is the reason that I am never content?"
When my parents visited last month and asked how I felt living here, it over~joyed them to hear that I finally felt at home.

You are in my thoughts and I wish you all the best dear Claudia.

megg said...

Hi there!!!

I'm so glad that you got away. I completely understand this feeling of homelessness. I am beginning to be desperate for that sense of MY place. It's so hard when you aren't where you fit in. I hear you.

Alexandra G said...

I'm just catching up on all your blog entries. I have just a moment but wanted to say hello and tell you how much I have missed your wonderful sharings and am so glad you and your love got some time away-and what a beautiful place! I feel for you being in an environment where some aspects just so don't get or support you, and it truly is their loss because you strike me as such an extraordinary loving, kind, funny, and delightful human being! And I like this 21 day challenge- I hadn't heard of it before. Not ready to do it right now, but it is in my little brain now filed away!

Ally Bean said...

I don´t feel accepted, appreciated and liked in this community, maybe this is the reason that I am never content?

i feel the same way about where i live. i try to ignore where i am geopgraphically and concentrate on what makes me happy internally.

still it gets tiresome.