Friday, March 24, 2006

Is this too much to ask?

What are my biggest wishes?
What means the most to me?
What is the most important thing to me in my life?
I have been carrying these questions around with me, pondering, being sure, having no idea, recognising, being confused, thinking, wanting to go forward, being held back, living on one leg.

I am so use to thinking things and automatically changing my thoughts because I don´t allow myself to think the things I do. My thoughts sound too selfish, too simple or too shallow and I stop them in their tracks. I really wasn´t aware of how often I do this...there is a constant conversation going on in my head - I remember watching cartoons where someone has a good angel sitting on one shoulder and a bad angel sitting on the other shoulder and they are argueing constantly about every little thing. I have the same thing going on in my head. "You make such lovely things, you should create more and sell your crafts for a living" says the good angel. "Who would buy them? Maybe you would hate sewing after a while and then you´ll have let a good job go for nothing! Where will you get the money to feed the children and pay the bills huh?" says the bad angel. "You are a great mother, so what if the house isn´t always perfect, it´s a happy house!" says the good angel. "You can be ashamed if visitors turn up, the house is a mess! Have you finished painting the upstairs hallway yet?" says the bad angel. "You have a lovely face, you are friendly and people like you, so what if you´re overweight!" says the good angel. "You look horrible! You should stay home until you get rid of those extra kilos, you don´t look good in any of your clothes, how can people respect you!" says the bad angel. I could go on and on. How do I get the good angel to speak up louder and convince the bad angel that everything will be OK? That it´s alright, even necessary to be selfish? That I can choose not to accept things that I am not happy with? So, I will go ahead and answer these questions NOW, selfishly!

What are my biggest wishes?
I would like to be the boss of me! I want to be able to stand up for myself, my family and anything that´s important to me with the courage of a lion! I want to make plans and carry them out like a winner, conquer obstacles and be enthusiastic about it! I want to be a successful woman! I want to keep things to a minimum and free myself from unecessary objects, thoughts, negative people and use my time for activities which are of value to myself and my family. I want to be an inspiration to others and spread joy and colour! Keeping all this in mind, I want to be able to earn enough money to lead a healthy, more carefree life doing something which makes me happy to get up every morning.
What means the most to me?
My children. I know many women who say " I can´t put myself first because I live for my children": That is not the kind of mother I want to be. I have 3 sons and I see it as one of my obligations to show them that you can lead the life you want regardless of gender, skin colour or financial background. I teach in many companies and see how caught up many people are in the career spiral...a long, hard way up and sometimes a quick fall down. I see that many people are nothing after you take away their job, their car and their expensive clothing. That´s not how I want to be. It means the most to me to show my children that I am a good person, an honest person, an authentic person. I want them to see that it´s possible to lead a happy, successful life according to your own rules and without trampling over others.
What is the most important thing to me in my life?
My health and the health of my family. We are lucky to have a good health insurance system here so regular check-ups, dentist visits etc. are no problem. But it is difficult to buy fresh, good quality food if you don´t live in the city. I go through phases of wanting to drop everything and to go and live on a farm where we can be self-sufficient to shopping only directly from farmers where I can only buy small amounts of quality foodsto shopping at discount supermarkets where I can buy more for the same price. So I repeat - I want to be able to earn enough money to lead a healthy, more carefree life doing something which makes me happy to get up every morning!

Is this too much to ask???


Mirre said...

No it's not too much to ask!
I really recognise your questions & answers; it gives me something to think about as well...

megg said...

NO!! But I know hwo hard it all is. I loved reading this so much. I feel you changing with every word you type - you will live into the answers!! I loved it when you said that you wanted to be the boss of you!! I can relate. I went through a phase when I said "You're not the boss of me!" when I thought of things I couldn't do. I can't wait to read more - you're amazing! Your boys are so lucky. xoox

Jamie said...

Woohoo! Claudia, my heart is beating faster with the power of your words today. I want you to know how inspirational you are, especially when you're asking for what you want! There's life and vitality and joy and passion and commitment in your words today. I know you are creating something awesome for yourself and your family. And I think what you are teaching your kids is a gift they'll carry with them their whole lives!

jorth said...

Not to much to ask at all. And I think you already do have the courage of a lion - you just need to practice your roar!

HoBess said...

No way is that too much to ask! I have so much to think about after reading this post ... I've been carrying these questions for days unwilling to try to really answer them. But I will! Your first set of questions did so much for me and I am taking so much from how you answer them.

Thanks for commenting on my last post, I found what you said so brave and honest. We never found out ahead of time what gender any of our babies were and for months I prayed it would be a boy. I was terrified I would "mess up" a little girl ... and I still am sometimes ... so knowing that in this, too, I wasn't alone was comforting to me. THANKS!

Ally Bean said...

I want them to see that it´s possible to lead a happy, successful life according to your own rules and without trampling over others.

that is a great goal. and very doable.

it's so easy to give your power away to others and live by their rules, but once i became aware of what i was doing i've been able to establish my own rules of success. and have lived a much happier life-- and not hurt anyone in the process.

you sound like you're on the right track to me.

Laini said...

Claudia, these are such good, pure, beautiful goals, and you've expressed them so well -- and the eternal struggle between the good and bad angel, too! I wish there was indeed some real, physical way of suffocating the bad angel, or at least welding him into a little tuna fish can and dropping him into a swift river! (Note that I personified the bad angel as a "he". Huh. I think both angels are she's, more likely, and I can hear the snarky voice of the bad one telling me what I can't do!)
It's such a wonderful and true goal to wish for a simple meaningful, healthy life, with good high-quality fresh food and good values. But despite the prosperity in our society, it doesn't seem to be getting easier because these aren't the prevailing goals of our time. People want more and easier stuff, quicker food, not fresher, etc etc, so all progress is geared towards that. Jim and I also feel like we are working toward the day when we can afford to buy all our food at the farmer's market and the organic market, but we're not there yet (but my mom read an article that said of all produce, apples are the most important to buy organic, because they are so coated with pesticides even a scrubber won't get it all off!).
This is a beautiful post -- and I love the picture of you and Erich. You guys are a couple that if I saw you in a cafe or something, I'd want to get to know you!

firstborn said...

your words spoke to was a pleasure reading what you had to say...your posts are very good reading.

thank you...